Apologising for our emotions: Why we do it and how to break the cycle

What do people say 'I'm sorry' unnecessarily?

Being sad or crying, and feeling annoyed, fearful or low are the main behaviours and emotions that I hear people apologise for. Sometimes people say sorry for being tired, for struggling, and for needing to rest and not be social.

Who apologises for feeling sad or showing emotion?

We all do it. I coach senior leaders, those at the beginning and middle of their career, stay at home parents and retired people. And they all apologise for themselves when they feel upset or show emotion.

Why do we apologise when we feel upset?

Many of us have grown up being told to ‘put others first’. It’s likely that we’ve experienced those around us (eg. our parents) apologising for themselves, and so this universally habitual message has been ingrained from childhood. Few of us learn the importance of caring for, and respecting, ourselves. Instead, we grow up with the incorrect belief that self care is selfish and self-indulgent.

What’s the problem with apologising for our thoughts and emotions?

Apologising for ourselves unnecessarily undermines our sense of wellbeing and self-worth. Having feelings and making mistakes are a natural and normal part of being human — that do not require an apology.

Why do we need to stop being so self critical?

A self-critical, self-denying attitude, hems us in. It keeps us small and stops us from being fully in the world with all our good qualities and shortcomings.

Apologising unnecessarily for our emotions isn’t kind or helpful, and leaves us feeling a lower sense of self worth. To be able to give more to the world and other people, we need to value ourselves — our feelings and emotions. When we begin to treat our true selves with kindness and compassion, it allows us to be more humble and honest with those around us.

Tips for unlearning to unnecessarily apologise for yourself

Try this practice for one week:

Pay attention to how often you say ‘I’m sorry’ — perhaps make a diary. Notice if you say it more in certain situations, places or with certain people.

Be discerning. Each time, ask yourself — do you have something to be sorry for, or do you have a habit of apologising for yourself, and therefore putting yourself down?

If you are putting yourself down, here’s how to break the habit:

1. Notice what your apology feels like in the body
2. Notice what it feels like emotionally
3. Take a few deep breaths
4. Acknowledge the habit and let it go
5. You might also find it helpful to say to yourself:

There’s no need to say sorry for myself. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to need time to myself. It’s okay to have an ‘off’ day. I am human. Other people feel this way too.

Notice the change, the release, and the effect that treating yourself with kindness has had on you.