October 16, 2024
Do you find it easier to be kinder to others than to yourself?
This Thursday, 10 October 2024, marks World Mental Health Day. However, we should be taking care of our mental health every day of the year
We often think that being kind and compassionate to ourselves is weak and self-indulgent and that being hard on ourselves is the way to go or that being self-critical keeps us up to the mark, makes us respected and powerful, stops us from being lazy and selfish. Quite the opposite is true.
Kristin Neff PhD, leading American researcher in the field of self-compassion, shows in her studies that people who practice self-compassion vs self-criticism are more emotionally robust and resilient because they are able to:
- have a positive, kind, compassionate attitude towards themselves
- acknowledge their mistakes and imperfections because they don’t get caught up in a negative spiral of self-criticism and self-denigration
- learn from their mistakes, change and move on.
Cultivating an attitude of self-compassion has three crucial ingredients:
- Kindness can enable us to care for ourselves and to see and hear our partner, children, friends, colleagues fully. It doesn’t mean being nice all the time. It’s non-sentimental. An attitude of kindness brings a quality of openness, friendliness, curiosity, care, warmth and love. It’s closely linked to empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is often immensely challenging, however, we don’t need to fabricate kindness, it’s already present, intrinsic in our human capacity.
- Compassion arises when we have the courage to willingly engage with our pain and difficulty and with that of others. It enables us to be alongside our own and others’ experience including their suffering with openness, kindness and curiosity without needing to fix or solve anything.
- Awareness helps us to be authentic. It allows us to know and acknowledge what’s really going on inside us and around us and to ask what’s needed right now. To do so we need to slow down and pause: ‘How am I feeling right now?’ and to share it with others.

Self-compassion is a quality, an attitude that’s already there within us and that we can develop further through regular practice. It’s training the mind and heart in a similar way that physical exercise is training for the body.
There are two types of practices we can do. The first one is self-compassion in daily life. In a moment of difficulty, shame, fear, anger, frustration etc we consciously choose to do something that can help you to calm the mind, to ground yourself. For example:
- Pause, take three deep breaths (you can do this anywhere: at your desk, in a meeting, while having a conversation with someone).
- Talk to a trusted friend or colleague and simply share what’s going on for you (no fixing or problem-solving here!).
- Make a cup of tea or step to the window and look at the trees, sky, clouds… This creates space in which you can allow your experience to flow through you with kindness and compassion.
- Go for a short walk around the block or in a park if you have one nearby.
The second is a 4-stage practice that engages the heart and mind. It involves sitting quietly whilst connecting to the body and breath, to our present-moment experience. It can be done in one minute, three, ten minutes or longer:
Stage 1: This is a moment of difficulty – “This is scary, this is painful, this is stressful, this is frustrating …” Notice where you feel it in the body.
Stage 2: Difficult experience is part of life – it’s common humanity, others feel this way. “I’m not alone. We all struggle at times.”
Stage 3: Ask yourself: “What do I need right now? Do I need to talk to someone, do I need a break, a moment to breathe…some reassurance…”?
Stage 4: Notice and absorb the effect of this practice. How are you feeling now?

The basic goodness of our human heart – in its intrinsic responsiveness to life - lies right behind our harsh self-judgements and is unconditional. It’s not something we have to achieve or prove. It’s something each one of us can re-learn to tap into and further develop.
Many of us are nervous about sharing personal experience, to reveal our struggles for fear it will open us up to judgment or criticism. However, as humans we are drawn to the transformative power of vulnerability because it taps into our common humanity - ‘We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives’. Brene Brown.
Sharing personal experience inspires others to do the same, helps friends, family members and colleagues to connect and be compassionate to self and others.
Holding up our armour, guarding ourselves against others, and showing how tough, and independent we are, can lead to a sense of alienation, isolation, loneliness and indeed to many forms of depression (= something in us gets pressed down or pushed away).
Ill mental health is not simply a being-ill-at-ease with ourselves and the world, a state we need to get rid of. It’s an opportunity to awaken our heart and deepen our connection to self, others and life. To feel well in ourselves in the midst of life’s ups and downs is possible.
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