Do you feel seen?

I’m currently working with a female senior leader and when I asked what brought her to me and coaching, she said: I don’t feel seen. I often feel invisible. I want to be seen, particularly at work.

Why is it so important that we feel seen by others?

When we don’t feel seen by others, we lose confidence in ourselves. We start to judge ourselves and wonder what’s wrong with us — this undermines a healthy sense of self and who we are. We often shrink and feel small.

I have another client who has done incredible things in her life and work. She often calls herself an oddball and when she does, she laughs. But it’s a bitter-sweet laugh.

She believes that others see her as an oddball.

She projects the way she sees and judges herself onto others. It’s called confirmation bias. Because she looks at herself through the lens of being odd, strange, everything that others say or do, then confirms her view of herself.

What would happen if we began to see ourselves in the way we want to be seen by others? And what can we do to make this happen?

It’s important here to remember that we can’t change others. We can’t make others see us in the way we want to be seen. But we can get curious and change how we see ourselves.

Only when we begin to change how we relate to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we validate, stand up and speak up for ourselves, can others begin to see us in the way we want to be seen.

When we allow ourselves to be who we are without judgement, we create a magical space where something new can unfold.

It requires us to take responsibility for ourselves and to let go of: If only others could see me, I would be fine and confident.

Let’s look at how you can begin to see yourself in the way you want to be seen by others:

1. Start with this simple exercise:
   Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left-hand side write down, draw or doodle how you see yourself. Be honest here and most importantly, kind, non-judgemental. On the right-hand side write down, draw or doodle how others see you.
   
   What you’ll find can be eye-opening because the difference can be stark. This exercise offers a reality check and can show you what you might project onto others. Often what you think others think about you is not true at all, it’s your own judgements of yourself.
   
   
2. Even more powerful, ask a trusted colleague or friend to tell you how they see you. For me it’s an honour to be asked and to tell people how I see them. I’ve done this many times and each time I was surprised.
   
   
3. Begin to become aware of old narratives, conditioned views about yourself: “I’m not good enough.”, “I have nothing to contribute or say.”, “Others are better than I.”, “I’m too quiet.”, “I’m boring.” etc.
   
   Examine your views about yourself. Most of our views are not true and hugely undermine our confidence. Ask yourself: Is this true? Then really listen, and you’ll hear that the answer is ‘no’.
   
   
4. So who are you and what are your qualities? Make a mind-map of your skills, experience, qualities - all the things that you have to offer to your colleagues, to your work, friends and family. Bring curiosity to yourself, an open mind that can see yourself clearly.
   
   
5. Take initiative
   Volunteer for a new project or challenge and show that you are willing to learn and to make a contribution.
   
   
6. Speak up in meetings
   Meetings can be challenging for many of us because often they are not facilitated in a way that includes everyone and as a result, often those who are more extroverted are heard and seen most. However, once again, it’s up to us to bring ourselves in (if others don’t do it and often they don’t). Instead of waiting to be invited or given space to speak, ask questions, have the courage to share your thoughts, or summarise key points.
   
   
7. Build relationships
   Be curious about others at work or in your life. Invite people for a coffee and chat to find out more about what they do. Use this opportunity to tell others what you do so they can see you.
   
   
8. Show leadership
   Be proactive and take responsibility for projects even if you are not in a formal leadership role. It shows others your skills and knowledge.
   
   
9. Mentor and help others
   Offer assistance and help to others, particularly to those who are newer or need help. It shows goodwill and increases your visibility across teams.
   
   
10. Ask for recognition
    It’s okay to make sure that your achievements are noticed. Don’t feel shy about naming your successes in contexts such as your annual review, team meetings or when discussing next steps in your professional development.
    

Whether or not others see us in the way we want to be seen is outside our control, and some contexts in our life are challenging, exclusive and unkind; however, what makes the difference is whether or not we see ourselves for who we are.

Seeing ourselves clearly and honestly leads to a healthy sense of self. We still need validation from others, because we are social beings and interconnected and interdependent, but we don’t depend upon it anymore in order to feel seen, confident and well in ourselves. It can completely change our experience of life not just at work but in all areas of life. This is true confidence.