Our ability to love and be loved is what underpins the health of all our relationships — with our self, with others, and with the Earth.

Our over-focus on performance, to feed consumerist needs and wants, means that few of us grow up in contexts where self-love, self-care and self-compassion are promoted, encouraged and taught, let alone modelled. As a result, many equate and view self-love and self-care as selfish, even sentimental. Clients have asked me ‘But isn’t it selfish to learn to be loving and kind to myself?’. 

My answer never changes: 'Being loving and kind to yourself isn't selfish — it's essential. To be able to love and care for others, you must also be loved and cared for, and this level of kindness is something you need to lean to bestow on yourself.'

If we look deeper, perhaps another reason we shy away from love is the fear of one’s own harsh self-criticism and self-deprecation, the pain of which is often and for many, very difficult to bear. Other clients experience grief and sadness when they find out how harsh and un-kind they’ve been to themselves, how little kindness they received growing up and, in the process formed a belief that they don’t deserve love and kindness, and the painful realisation that this has been getting in the way of living fully.

To love then means to be who we are: human, flawed and vulnerable.

As Bell Hooks says so beautifully and aptly in her poem: The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.

We live in a society where 'doing' is overrated and where love, kindness, compassion and care are greatly underrated. As a society, the lack of value we place on 'love' has led most people to feel fearful about letting down their guard, being human and vulnerable, the very thing that is essential for creating connection with others.

In Ancient Greece, eight different types of love were recognised:

1. Eros: Romantic love, or sexual passion
2. Philia: Affectionate love, or deep friendship
3. Ludus: Playful love
4. Agape: Universal love, or love for everyone
5. Pragma: Enduring love, or long-lasting love
6. Philautia: Self-love
7. Storge: Family love, or familiar love
8. Mania: Obsessive love

All eight types of love are vital and have their place. And yet, I would argue that the cultivation of self-love, affectionate and universal love are the types of love that can help us understand more fully and deeply that ‘body-mind-heart-spirit’ is an integrated whole and that we are interconnected beings as opposed to separate.

These types of love, in particular, enable us to see beyond the self, to move from ‘what I need and want’ towards ‘what the other needs and wants’ and ‘what the world needs and wants.’ This mind-set allows us to move from ‘I’ to ‘I in relationship to’.

James Hollis, a Jungian Analyst, says that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves.

Love and human connection have an enduring impact in shaping our lives. Rather than viewing life as a series of isolated events, Aurelio Peccei, founder of the club of Rome, suggests that love weaves everything into a meaningful whole, a continued journey.

Barbara Fredrickson, in her ground-breaking book Love 2.0, says that love is connection, that love literally changes our mind, that it expands our awareness of our surroundings, even our sense of self, and that the boundaries between you and not-you — what lies beyond your skin — to relax and become more permeable.

This wildly powerful and little talked about quality that is love, is a formidable motivator and creative force. Today and every day we can further develop this intrinsic value and human capacity.

Eastern wisdom traditions have taught and practiced loving kindness for thousands of years. Agape or metta, the Greek and Pali (ancient, non-spoken language used to preserve Buddhist teachings) word for loving kindness or benevolent love or radical love is a love for all beings, with a heart as wide as the ocean, radiating love and well-wishing in all directions. This love can take many forms and has limitless modes of expression via words, deeds and thoughts.

We need to start with ourselves and examine our own relationship with and attitude towards our self. How do we treat ourselves? What views, beliefs do we hold about ourselves? And what is our own practice of self-love, kindness, compassion and care?

Here are some ways that you can practice being kinder and more loving to yourself:

Ask yourself, what opens your heart?

A smile, the blue sky, a thoughtful gesture, the joy of a pet or a message from a friend or colleague.

Take a moment to connect with how this moment feels in your body? How would you describe it?

Notice the attitude and tone of voice with which you speak to yourself

Bring kindness, understanding and warmth to yourself as you would to someone you love and appreciate.

Learn and get to know your ‘nos’ and ‘yes’ to set healthy boundaries.

Allow yourself to rest and care.

Remind yourself that you are flawed and imperfect and that making mistakes is human.

Ask yourself: ‘What can I learn from this situation?’

Practice being present

When you are with friends, colleagues, loved ones, give your full attention to them without looking at your phone or getting distracted by planning the next thing.

Listen carefully by making eye contact and without interrupting

Practice patience and understanding

In difficult or frustrating moments, pause and take a breath so that you can choose how to respond vs react.

Be curious and interested and ask open questions to understand where others are coming from rather than judging quickly.

Engage willingly and with kindness, compassion, empathy in difficult moments without needing to find a solution.

Offer help without expecting anything in return.

Let go of judgement

Avoid labelling people as “good” or “bad.” Instead, see them as complex human beings shaped by their experiences.

Stay aware and reflect

Regularly make some time to reflect on how you relate to others.

Ask: ‘What is the attitude that I bring to this person. Am I seeing them through the lens of love, fear, prejudice?’

Appreciate someone for something they did or for a quality they have.

Carry out small acts of kindness

Reach out to someone and offer your help in small or bigger ways.

Wish someone well who walks down the street, who sits next to you on the tube or bus, or in a meeting.