Do you find it easier to collaborate or to compete?

If you want others to be happy, practice kindness.
If you want to be happy practice kindness. - Dalai Lama

Sometimes when people ask me what I do, I tell them: my work is about kindness. This can lead to some perplexed looks. Not altogether surprising. Being kind is still a highly underrated and somewhat misunderstood quality that many see as sentimental, emotional, weak - a nice to have.

It’s also the quality that many people struggle to show, particularly in relationship to themselves and yet every single person, consciously or unconsciously, longs for. Why? Because it’s the very attitude that brings connection and love, helping to fulfil our search as social beings for connection and belonging.

People who do more acts of kindness are happier. And people who experience kindness feel more connected to themselves and others (1).

Where we are probably all familiar with the notion of ‘survival of the fittest’, less familiar is the concept of ‘survival of the kindest’(2).

Our brain’s inbuilt negativity bias is driven by our need to survive as a species, and is often best served by being cautious, a question of carrots and sticks, so we avoid life’s ‘sticks’. This is the ‘avoidance’ system. Another aspect of our survival instinct is the drive to seek out new opportunities and resources, life’s ‘carrots’ as it were. This is the ‘achievement’ system. Both of these driving forces ensured that only the most cunning and adaptable of our ancestors survived.

But there is a third facet to our survival instinct that also governs how we approach the world: it is known as the ‘soothing and contentment’ system.
When we no longer feel the need to constantly defend ourselves against danger, and when resources are abundant so that we are not struggling merely to survive, we feel a pleasant, deep sense of contentment. It’s a sign that we are happy with the way things are and that we are in tune with our environment. And when we feel safe, we are confident enough to look outwards beyond the immediate needs of survival to live in a more connected, compassionate and harmonious way with those around us.

This enables us to be kinder to ourselves and others. It bolsters the social bonds that encourage us to cooperate, rather than compete with each other. And such cooperation was critical for our ancestors because those who are kind and worked cooperatively with each other, survived better than those who struggled in conflict and isolation. Hence ‘survival of the kindest’ (3).

This soothing and contentment system is of equal importance in our life because it helps us achieve a sense of emotional balance, it increases our awareness of self, others and the world and hence brings us connection, ease, freedom and wellbeing.

This is why up until about 200 years ago, people were happy enough to live in close-knit communities and in harmony with nature. With the arrival of the industrial revolution our western life-style has progressively become individualistic, competitive and consumerist, putting fiscal performance and material profit first and human values second. It has brought alienation, distress, unhappiness and loneliness into our lives and has created many toxic work, home and community cultures and environments.

Let’s explore what kindness is….

• Kindness is an intrinsic human quality and capacity
• Kindness is the bedrock of all positive attitudes such as love, compassion, care, patience, courage, humility, generosity…
• Kindness is a quality of mind and heart that is open, honest, curious, expansive, friendly and caring
• Kindness is a quality that we can cultivate and develop further
  
  

And what kindness is not….

• Kindness is not being sentimental
• Kindness is not about being kind all the time
• Kindness is not being weak
• Kindness is not about pleasing others
• Kindness is not about overriding our own needs and wants

It is also worth noting that science (4) recognises a variety of benefits to those who practice self-kindness.

People who practice self-kindness are:

• Better able to acknowledge their mistakes and shortcomings because they don’t go into the spiral of negative thinking and self-deprecation.
• More able to adopt a learning mindset vs failure mindset: they are committed to and able to learn from their mistakes vs judging themselves as a failure.
• More emotionally robust because they are committed to learning vs self-judgement.
• Are overall happier because their tank is full with positive emotion.
• Benefit from the neuro-transmitter dopamine which is released when we do acts of kindness, elevating mood.
• Aware that kindness is good for the heart: when we are kind to someone, the hormone oxytocin is released which expands the blood vessels, reduces blood pressure and protects the heart.
  
  

So, how can we practice kindness to ourselves …

Every day, pause for five minutes:

1. Put your hand on your hand, breathe into your heart and wish yourself well. For example, you could say “I’m fundamentally okay as I am and I wish myself well”. It’s the same attitude we would bring to a loved one. It may feel a little artificial at first but give it a go. It works.
2. Bring someone you appreciate to mind and wish them well. Notice the effect this has on you.
3. Remember: We all experience pain and difficulty. You are not alone.
   

and others?

Remember daily that all actions have consequences, negative and positive. Acts of kindness have a positive effect on others and ourselves. They foster positive emotion and hence wellbeing, mental health and resilience. Acts of kindness can be very small such as offering a helping hand, a listening ear, a message of support, paying a compliment etc. It’s also worth remembering that acts of kindness are contagious.

References:

1. Research into the science of happiness has identified the things that really make for a flourishing life. Check out Action for Happiness’ 10 keys to happier living. http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living
   
2. The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert, 2013
   
3. Survival of the Kindest: phrase originally coined by Dacher Keltner in his book Born to be Good, 2009
   
4. See research into kindness:
   David Hamilton: The Five Side Effects of Kindness, 2017
   The Sussex Centre for Research on Kindness, UK: https://www.sussex.ac.uk/research/centres/kindness/research/