Life is full and demanding for many of us. Life also involves many other people: colleagues, loved ones, friends. To navigate life, we have to work well together. In order to work well together, we need to make agreements that we're able to keep.

But how often do we stick to our agreements, really? How often do we make an agreement, only to break it shortly afterwards? How often do we say 'yes' to something when we really mean 'no, I can't realistically do that', or 'no, I don't want to'?

And when we don’t do what we said we'd do, there are consequences such as upset and conflict. And when someone tells us that they'll do something, but they don't, it can undermine our trust in others and the quality of our relationships.

I’m curious. We all know how good it feels when we follow through on agreements, when we are committed and reliable. Why then is it that we often say yes, when we mean no?

Jim Dethmer et al in his book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, talks of four practices that we have to master to be able to make impeccable agreements.

1. Making clear agreements
2. Keeping agreements
3. Renegotiating agreements
4. Cleaning up broken agreements

Let’s look at each practice:

1. Make clear agreements

Making clear agreements requires us to be precise about who will do what by when. A classic. We know it’s paramount, and yet, we often stay vague and it causes us much distress.

A typical example at work would be: 'will someone look into that and get back to us?'

Or at home: 'let’s make some time soon to talk about what happened the other day.

There is no clarity around the who (“will someone”) or the what (“look into that”) or the when (“and get back to us?”).

At work, a clear agreement would sound like this. 'Alex, please will you finalise the outline of the away day including venue, dates and costs by next Friday?'

Or at home: 'Are you free to come on a walk with me on Sunday to talk about what happened the other day? Does 3pm work for you?'

However, it’s not enough to make clear agreements. It’s important that all parties involved are fully engaged and committed. It requires a whole-hearted yes! from everyone involved not just a quiet nod.

We often give a quiet nod to agreements when we know already that we won’t follow through because we don’t want to rock the boat, or we want the conversation or meeting over with, or we can’t be bothered, or because so much else is going on.

Personally, I sometimes say yes to an agreement because my calendar looks free, but when it comes to it, it’s different: I have over-committed myself and I can’t do it all. So it’s important that we pause and think it through before saying yes: Will I realistically have enough to do it? What else is going on? How does it feel?

2. Keep agreements

It’s simple. Do what you've agreed to do.

Those of us who make clear agreements usually stick to most of them. And if we don’t, we're usually good at re-negotiating and cleaning up broken agreements.

3. Renegotiate agreements

Renegotiating an agreement means that, as soon as we realise that we won’t be able to keep an agreement, we let the person or people involved know.

Renegotiating can include the following:

• Deciding not to do the agreement at all
• Changing the scope of the agreement, ie the “what” I’ll be doing
• Changing the “when” I’ll be doing it

Renegotiating can sound like this: 'Sam, I said I’d get the outline of the away day done by this Friday but I need more time. Can we agree that I will get it to you by 5pm next Wednesday?'

Or it can sound like: 'I know we said we'd go for a walk this Sunday afternoon to talk, but could we do it on another day and time? I’ve had such a busy week and I need some head space. Could we do it next Saturday afternoon instead?'

People who stick to their agreements don’t renegotiate often because they make clear agreements in the first place. Some of us know this from experience and it feels good, doesn’t it?

4. Clean up broken agreements

And of course, at times we break our agreements. It’s human. And things change. The question is, are we willing to own up to it, take 100% responsibility for it? This is key.

Cleaning up a broken agreement could sound like this.

At work: 'Jo, I told you I was going to talk to Andy about getting your training signed off by last Friday but I didn’t do it. Instead, Andy and I have agreed to talk about it this Thursday.'

It’s important to keep the sentences short and to not slip into long explanations or justifications. It will blur our taking100% ownership of what happened. It helps us remain trustworthy or repair trust. Sometimes it can also be powerful to ask: 'Is there anything else that I can do to repair what happened?' Doing this can show that we are willing to clean up our mess.

Making clean agreements and sticking to them keeps us in the flow of life, increases and deepens the quality of our relationships. And it feels good! It fosters positive emotion.