April 16, 2026
Restorative practice: a heart-centred approach to conflict
Restorative practice is about learning to listen deeply to one another and to see and know those around us.
We are living in a fracturing world of unprecedented complexity, marked by increasing polarisation in all areas of life.
More than ever we need tangible ways of helping people bridge divides, learn perspective taking and develop empathy and compassion for self and others. These are no small skills to learn but completely possible with the right support and encouragement.
Conflict, rupture, differing views and opinions are part of life, but how we respond to difficult situations can either deepen polarisation or bridge divides and open the door to understanding and repair.
Just as people act in different ways when they are in conflict with someone, there are also different ways of intervening in a conflict around us.
My training and approach to conflict resolution is called Restorative Practice that puts relationships at the heart of conflict resolution. The focus in traditional mediation, by contrast, is on finding a solution.
When people have the courage to be honest and to hear a different perspective, that’s when relationships can be repaired, polarisation overcome, dialogue becomes possible and ways forward can be found.
Restorative practice is about learning to listen deeply to one another and to see and know those around us. It is about sharing our own story and perspective and attempting to understand the perspectives of others. It is about being responsible for our actions in a collaborative and participatory way.
The principles of Restorative Practice find their roots in indigenous communities where the concept of justice relies on an assumption that everyone in a community is relationally connected to one another and to their community.
It’s based on the belief that all people are relational, worthy human beings whose wellbeing is diminished or nurtured through relationships. In the restorative value system, justice means fairness and inclusion, and social justice focusses on collective outcomes and the wellbeing of all.
Based on these principles, in my restorative approach for conflict resolution the parties involved play an equal role and the needs of each party is actively listened to. When we do this exercise, the discovery is astonishing - the needs are almost always identical:
- To be heard and listened to
- To be understood and treated fairly
- To feel supported and connected
The restorative approach always starts with a 1:1 conversation with each party involved in the conflict followed by a restorative conversation consisting of the following areas of exploration:
Hearing and telling the unique and equally valid perspective
Each party gets equal 1:1 time to tell their story, what happened from their perspective. This could be up to four (sometimes more) 1:1 conversations depending on the complexity of the situation.
Once each party has had a chance to share their perspective of the situation and be heard, all parties can subsequently come together in what is called a restorative circle or conference. Each party has to agree to participate in the circle and to do it voluntarily. Each circle is usually two hours long. Often one circle is enough for parties to find a way forward due to 1:1 restorative conversations that have already taken place.
Thoughts influence emotions which influence behaviour
At the beginning of each restorative process it is crucial to understand why we do what we do. This involves looking beneath the surface of what has happened in any conflict in order to gain a more holistic view of our behaviour that centres around our thoughts, feelings and unmet needs in difficult situations.
Behaviour is what is most readily visible and what we mostly respond to in others.
Beneath our behaviour we find thoughts, judgements and feelings that affect and drive our behaviours. And deeper still, we have needs that are the deepest motivations behind anything we think or say, any action or reaction.
How does a restorative process work?
- The restorative process starts with an informal chat about yourself in a conflict situation at work or at home and regardless of how many people are involved, for example, work situations might involve a whole team or department.
- The next step is to find out whether the parties involved are willing to engage in a restorative process. This has to be voluntarily. A restorative process however, can still take place even if not everyone involved in the conflict situation wants to participate.
- 1:1 meetings are scheduled so that each person can share their perspective on the conflict situation and feel heard. Each person usually needs 2-3 individual conversations before they are ready to join the restorative circle or conference that generally lasts for two hours. The circle is facilitated in a safe way that gives each party equal talk and listen time and that includes clear outcomes, next steps and action planning.
Karen gave my feelings a lot of space, she was very patient. By the time I was ready to engage in the restorative circle with the other party, I already felt a lot clearer and better able to communicate and hear the other person fully. Even though the conversations were difficult, I felt very safe having Karen there guiding and holding the space.
In the initial restorative 1:1 meetings I explore with each party their thoughts and judgements and how these influence their emotions and behaviour so they can understand themselves better.
Developing empathy, consideration and compassion.
When parties involved understand themselves better, it increases their capacity to empathise with others because it taps into common humanity. And this in turn helps them to feel more compassionate towards themselves and others.
Understanding needs and unmet needs.
As mentioned above, beneath our thoughts and emotions lie our needs, including the unmet needs that drive our actions: what we say and do. Needs are universal and neutral, although how each one of us tries to get them met is very individual and can be healthy or unhealthy. Common human needs are: being heard, listened to, to feel supported, to collaborate, to be understood, to feel safe, to communicate, to make a contribution, to feel connected, to feel loved, to feel taken into account etc.
When parties involved in a conflict see how similar their needs / unmet needs are, a door can open up that can lead to mutual understanding, compassion, repair and ways forward.
Ownership, taking responsibility and problem solving.
This aspect of the restorative conversation with each individual ensures that respective parties are willing to let go of blame and to take full responsibility for their part in the conflict situation. When this happens, and only then, can relationship(s) be repaired, bridges build and solution(s) be found.
The greater our compassion the more aware we are of ways to extend ourselves to others to make healing possible.
This type of conflict resolution is hugely successful as it takes into consideration all parties, drills down to unmet needs that drive all behaviour so that greater understanding, empathy and compassion towards self and others can happen. This is the bedrock for repairing relationships. When mutual perspective taking and understanding happens, a sense of connection follows which in turn can allow opposing parties to enter into dialogue or find ways forward together.